updated 03/26/05


What is a portroid? A portroid is a Polaroid Portrait. I thought combining the words into "portroid" sounded better than "polatrait"
Are there official rules regarding portroids?


Rule 1 - all portroids must be signed by the subject

Rule 2 - all portroids must be signed before the picture develops

Rule 3 - only one portroid per person

Rule 4 - only one person per portroid

Rule 5 - no "retakes" of portroids if the picture doesn't turn out just how you or I would like it

Rule 6 - all portroids will be posted on the official portroids website and will not be removed

Rule 7 - all hardcopies of portroids will be kept in a photo album at my house and will never be sold or given away

Have the rules ever been broken?

Yes. Most all of them.

Rule 1 - broken in a number of ways. Way 1 - I, myself, have signed portroids taken of inanimate objects (animitronic figures and disembodied puppet heads). I also forged the autograph of Pluto, because Pluto's paws were too big to sign in the small available white space at the bottom of a Polaroid. Way 2 - There is a portroid posted of Robert Redford that I wasn't able to get him to sign, as he was separated from me by a baricade. Way 3 - There is also a portroid taken that the subject refused to sign because the subject claimed he doesn't sign autographs. I found an instance of his signature and digitally added it to the picture. I'm a scam artist, seemingly.

Rule 2 - this gets broken all the time because people want to "approve" the picture before they sign off on it. People are vain.

Rule 3 - first broken by Michael Dreben who asked for a friendlier picture to be taken of him to contrast his "Da Killa" portroid. Many people have had multiples taken since then. Some duplicates are of alter-egos (like Da Killa). Some duplicates are just because a new situation arises where a better portroid can be taken.

Rule 4 - this was a steadfast rule until Tanya Kensley had her picture taken with her baby, Ella. Most of the time this rule is broken by people walking into the frame. It was most recently broken by Eddie Izzard when he specifically asked to have his picture taken with Matt Groening. The biggest break from this rule was a special request from my uncle, so I did it.

Rule 5 - I broke this rule first with Mr. Duct Tape Head Man because of his glaring shiny silver duct tape head. Also, this rule was broken by Sam Lieb because his first picture turned out pretty weak (and because of his glaring shiny silver duct tape head). His second portroid is pretty good though.

Rule 6 - I have been asked specifically to not post one picture, and so it never was posted. Two other pictures were posted and I was asked to remove them, so I did. Other people have asked me as special favors to take down pictures of other people and I have. And once I was asked to remove a picture because the subject didn't like the way they looked. I "altered" the picture and it is still posted, but in a more satisfying way. It takes a lot for me to remove pictures (it's a major pain in the ass to do), so I require a great deal of convincing. It's best if you just don't ask.

Rule 7 - this rule has for the most part not been broken, but kind of. I have never sold a picture and never plan to (contrary to what Matt Groening thought when he wrote this on the back of his). Almost every picture I have taken is in my photo album. The first picture of Sam that he asked me to retake, he kept. I also gave a picture of Kristen Levi to her because it was really out of focus (moreso than the one that actually got posted). There are other examples too. Write to me at portroids@hotmail.com if you'd like to hear about them.

So, for the most part every rule has been broken.

Who do you take portroids of? People I know, or know of. Sometimes I will take a portroid the second I meet someone. I feel that puts them right at ease.
Why are celebrities mixed with "normal" people on your website?

To give you that sense of "who the hell is that?"

If you only care about celebrities, you can check out the top secret celebrity only page. It's top secret.

Why did you start taking portroids? To document and archive all the people I've seen that I know, or know of, since October 2003. I collect people. I mean I collect action figures, which are little people. They're fun to keep in plastic prisons (like real people - captured in the prison of the white Polaroid frame).
When will you stop taking portroids?

Who are you ... my wife? She and others hate that I take portroids, but I don't do it for them. I do it for the next generation, so they too can share in the joys and the faces of my time here. I'm not planning to have kids, so when I die, these portroids will likely get burned in the festival bonfire of my death. Sad. So many faces gone into ashes.

You should think twice before you torch my memories. You could probably get $10 on e-bay for that Matt Groening shot ;)

Is it true you invented emoticons? Yes. About a year ago, like March 2004 or thereabouts, I was messing around on the keyboard and I hit a colon, followed by a closing parenthesis and when I tilted my head to the left, I was all like "Man, that looks like some little dude smiling at me." I started putting them in e-mails and the next thing I knew they were everywhere. Yeah, it was awesome :)
Why haven't you taken my portroid yet?

I probably haven't seen you when I've had my camera. I also get a lot of negative press from my wife, so I mostly have to take them on the sly so as to avoid the unpleasant news articles written on her brow. Sometimes I do it right in front of her face, you know, when I feel rebellous.

But you know what they say, "Any press is good press, unless it's about alleged rape or child molestation charges. Then it's the family that suffers."

Have you ever not taken a portroid? Don't get me started on missing portroid opportunities. I get very downtrodden when that happens, and you wouldn't like me when I'm downtrodden. I've had as many missed opportunities as I've had actual portroid successes, so add them up and think about twice the number of pictures. I get sullen when this happens.
What's next for portroids?

What do you want to see? I plan to take more pictures, get more autographs, post these pictures/autographs, write about taking portroids, etc. What else really is there to do? I'm maybe going to add some "connections" to link people together like that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, because I have a portroid of Kevin Bacon and maybe you're linked to him. Probably not though.

How many hits does this site get? It used to get like 50 hits a year, and that was awesome. Now it's up to around 2,000 a month. How's that for growth? 50 into 24,000 is like 48 million percent. I'll try to match that growth this year. I'll probably have 56,000,000,000,000 hits in 2006. I should look into selling out.
Are any of the questions really "frequently asked"? Some. Not this one though. This is a n.a.q. (Never Asked Question). Maybe it'll come up more often now in conversation now that people know it's more original than those tedious "frequently asked" questions. People love frequently to ask the same questions though, so I'll not rob them of that. If you want to ask, "What's up?", I'll oblige and say, "You know, not much." We'll keep up the social niceties for society's sake.
What's up? You know, not much.

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